Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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