I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
