I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
