We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
