My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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