I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
