Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
