brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
