I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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