I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
