youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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