So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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