Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
