Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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