So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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