Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize