I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
send nudes
from the living room?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
