Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
