my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
