Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
