I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
