Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
