U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we're making bets on your personal life
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
