I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
