I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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