Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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