I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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