I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
