some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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