Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
