Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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