evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
