I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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