your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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