I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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