apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
