I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
