If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
