the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
