dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
