Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
