The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
