Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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