Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
