I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
