That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
