gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I want to fling myself into the sun
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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