My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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