i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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