Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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