The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
