hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
