Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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