before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
