Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
