she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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