Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
