I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We got so high we made milksteak
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
