and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
