I will die if light touches me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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