i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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