I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
