why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
